“Feigning joy and surprise at the gifts we despise over mulled wine with you
On the twenty-fifth day of the twelfth month
The sleigh bells are in time, ringing true
How we cling each day long to the snowflakes and hope in hell
That it won’t end”
Or - fuck that … give me some whiskey, leave me the fuck alone and put on some music that doesn’t suck my holly jolly balls. Luckily, there’s come bands less Grinchy then the humbug stuck up your ass that have managed to write Christmas songs that will make your ears bleed while possibly making your heart grow a size or two bigger. Or maybe the egg-nog is kicking in? Either way, here’s a kick-ass mix full of christmas spirit and bitching riffs to blast on high.
Your Metal Christmas Songs and Caroling Playlist
The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)
The absolute only way to get your yuletide debauchery begun, The Darkness kick off the night with riffs a’plenty and joyous odes a’many.
GWAR - Stripper Christmas Summer Weekend
No Holiday celebration is complete without a $20 lap dance beneath the mistle-cameltoe. “And they played heavy metal, And she spun on the pole”.
Spinal Tap - Christmas with the Devil
A totally sane and sober preacher-like man on the Boston Commons once told me that “Santa Claus is Satan’s cause” which was a stark reminder that Santa and Satan are basically the same guy. Bearded red-clad men who keep naughty lists while riding chariots in the sky.
Spinal Tap understood this sentiment and reminds us of this beautiful festive message via this message, “So come all ye unfaithful, Don’t be left out in the cold, You don’t need no invitation, no Your ticket is your soul”
AC/DC - Mistress for Christmas
AC/DC songs are the gift that keeping giving every single decade. They kick off the 90’s looking for a new ho under the mistletoe.
Aren’t we all?
Steel Panther - The Stocking Song
“I’m gonna stuff your stocking this year, With holiday love and romance, I just hope that Santa doesn’t stuff it before I get the chance”
Steel Panther continues to do what it does best: putting the Lez in “Felez Navidad”, the Ho in “Holly”, the No out of “Noel” while dropping their tinsel on your tonsils.
Twisted Sister - Heavy Metal Christmas
Dee Snider takes us through a complete “Metalhead look” 12 days of Christmas. He rattles off all the standards towards creating the ultimate 80’s rocking look (plus some booze to help you survive that painful Ozzy tramp-stamp tattoo).
King Diamond - No Presents for Christmas
Here we come a wassailing with a Grinchian tale of Santa needing help delivering gifts but Tom and Jerry are drunk while Donald Drunk is still asleep…or something like that?
Cocaine is a helluva drug.
Enuff Z’Nuff - Happy Holiday
One of the lighter entries to this mix, it’s still a rocking tune that harkens back more towards more “Fly High Michelle” then “New Thing” (Enuff Z’Nuff). It’s a great chill track to close out your metal Christmas Eve with a little bit of sentimentality and mistletoe (worn on your belt of course).
Fizz here: Pants clearly forgot this gem!
The Darkness - I am Santa
I am Santa is fantastic, and the video is even better. The Hawkins brothers, Frankie Poullain, and Rufus Tiger Taylor sleigh (see what I did there?) with this delightful ode to ol’ Kris Kringle.
Actually, they are just straight up usurping the power of the jolly bearded wonder, opening fire on the hearts of everyone’s inner child in doing so.
Viva la Darkness!